Why I Choose Recovery Every Day.
Life is pretty lonely when the only thing you are doing is snorting cocaine and pills, and staying up all night watching repeats of shows you’ve already watched. There comes a time in your life when you want to change, but you don’t know how. You are sick and tired of being sick and tired but addiction has it’s grasp on you. It has a hold of you and every time you promise to quit, and you attempt to quit, you can’t stay away. Your brain has been hijacked and you don’t produce dopamine on your own. The drugs and the booze, and the insidious nature of addiction, don’t want you to be happy. They have the control and you’re just a rat in their game.
by Lara Fazier
I tried to get sober about a year into my addiction. I entered treatment for the first time and I thought that after 28 days of rehab, I would be free. My addiction would be over and my life would return to normal. This was not the case. I had to do the work, every day, if I wanted to live in recovery. And at this time, I was unwilling. However, after four more years living in addiction and trying recovery, I made the decision that a life in recovery is the life I wanted. So, I chose myself and I chose to listen to those who were wiser than me.
Here are the reasons I choose recovery daily:
I am free. I am not controlled by a substance and my decisions do not revolve around getting high. When I was addicted, I couldn’t listen to anything else but my disease. I wasn’t free. I was a slave to addiction. In my recovery, I no longer wake up to the thought of using. I don’t have to count my pills and agonize about what to do when I run out. I don’t have to deny spending time with the people I love because I can’t be away from drugs. My decisions are made by my true self, not the self I was in my addiction.
When I was using, I pushed away the people who loved me. They saw what my addiction was doing to me and they begged me to stop. I didn’t want to stop so I wouldn’t answer their calls and I wouldn’t spend time with them. I began to build a world that revolved around using. It was lonely and I was isolated and I had no support system. I felt alone. But, I had to realize that my problems were of my own making. Today, in my recovery, I have a relationship with my family better than the one I had before. We are honest and vulnerable and we talk about the things that hurt us. The friends I abandoned came back into my life when they realized I was working on staying sober for the long-haul. I am able to have healthy relationships with other people and I am able to have a healthy relationship with myself.
SERVICE TO OTHERS
I didn’t realize that my rock bottom stories would one day become a tool to help others. I never thought that the hell I went through in my addiction would allow me to bond with another person who was suffering. In the beginning of my recovery, I went to treatment centers and I spoke openly about what recovery meant to me. I helped other women find the freedom I found. Today, I blog and I write about my recovery. I have people from all over the world ask me for help. It’s an absolute honor to be able to share my story and guide people into recovery.
When I was addicted, I didn’t take care of my health. I was losing weight at a rapid speed because I was addicted to amphetamines. I barely ate and when I did, I would eat sweets and candy. I would ignore pain in my body and I wouldn’t take myself to the doctor. I would lay on my couch for days at a time. I didn’t care about my health, because I didn’t care about myself. Today, I choose foods that make me feel good. I pay attention to how food makes me feel. I exercise on a regular basis. When I am feeling down, I go to a doctor and I get a check-up. I am in touch with my entire being – body, mind, and soul.
In recovery, I am connected to myself, to others, and to a higher being. I realize that we are all connected. In my addiction, I believed in separation. I am on a spiritual path. I meditate, pray, practice kundalini yoga, & I read books to help me on my journey. I grow and I evolve and I become a better version of myself. I believe in the universe and what it offers and I am guided by a power that loves me deeply, and wants the very best.
Lara Frazier is a truth-teller, a sobriety warrior and a writer. She is a FIERCE believer in the power of owning our stories and is a strong advocate for addiction recovery. Lara shares a story of healing: in sobriety, through addiction, in life and love, and in all the other big huge moments of fear and magic that we rarely talk about, but we should. Find more of Lara’s work on her website at www.larafrazier.com or follow her on Instagram @sillylara.