by Lara Frazier

I met Ashley when she was 26 years old. By this time, she had been to over twenty rehab facilities. Ashley was 3 months sober when we met. I was instantly attracted to her. She’s funny, witty, and we have a lot in common. She is incredibly intelligent. Ashley also suffers from bi-polar disorder. Without her medications, she becomes unhinged. I’ve seen Ashley manic and mean. She will say the nastiest things to the people who love her. I think this is her defense mechanisms and a way to protect herself. The outside world has hurt her. She has been beaten up by boyfriends and bullied by her friends and her family.

Ashley survives by finding rich men that will take care of her. She never learned how to take care of herself. She’s been enabled her whole life. But, she has also experienced an immense amount of trauma that is only her story to tell. Ashley has told me about her many overdoses. She’s told me what it feels like to almost die.

I’ve only done heroin twice in my life and I was on suboxone both times. Suboxone is a drug that will flatten the effects of opiates. I am very grateful that I never became addicted to heroin. I stayed away from heroin because I felt like I would love it too much. Heroin is one of the only drugs that I’ve never been addicted to. After hearing Ashley tell me about what she has done on heroin and what she has done for heroin; I know that staying away from heroin was a gift from God.

Ashley goes in and out of rehabs constantly. She moves often. I know she has gone to rehab in a number of states. Currently, she is in a state that has a large majority of treatment centers. I ask a mutual friend if he has seen her lately and he says unfortunately, he has not. I know Ashley is alive. I check her Facebook page often to see if she has made any posts.

Ashley is addicted to heroin and she can’t stop using. She also mixes heroin with alcohol and benzos. I never stop thinking of Ashley. I have lost so many friends to heroin addiction that I am always so worried about her. Ashley can’t stop using heroin because the withdrawal is terrible. She can’t stop using heroin because heroin has become her only friend. Heroin numbs her pain. Heroin calms her anxiety. Heroin is a way to manage her bi-polar disorder.

My best friend can’t stop using heroin, and the only thing I know to do is pray. I’ve tried helping her. I’ve tried getting her into rehab. She will go to rehab and she will leave. She usually gets kicked out because her behavior becomes so destructive to the community. Ashley isn’t an easy person to live with. She doesn’t like taking her medication for her bi-polar disorder. However, without her medications, Ashley always ends up self-destructing.

Ashley is addicted to heroin and she doesn’t know what to do to stop. She feels like she has tried everything and it’s pointless. However, I know there is hope for Ashley. I have heard friends say the same thing. They tell me they’ve been too treatment so many times. They tell me they tried AA and NA. They say they’ve seen a therapist. However, treatment is not one size fit all. I have friends who thought there was no hope and today, they are over three years sober.

ABOUT LARA

Lara Frazier is a truth-teller, a sobriety warrior and a writer. She is a FIERCE believer in the power of owning our stories and is a strong advocate for addiction recovery. Lara shares a story of healing: in sobriety, through addiction, in life and love, and in all the other big huge moments of fear and magic that we rarely talk about, but we should. Find more of Lara’s work on her website at www.larafrazier.com or follow her on Instagram @sillylara.