What is betrayal trauma? Those who have experienced it will describe it as deeply hurtful, causing pain, sadness, and guilt for years to come. This is because betrayal trauma is not committed by a stranger or event – it comes directly from someone you love.
In 2024, almost 2,000 children were in the foster care system in Hillsborough County. This does not include those in adoption agencies or those who have run away. The betrayal felt from their parents giving them away causes lifelong trauma, not to mention the traumas experienced in foster care.
Additionally, studies suggest that between 20% and 40% of marriages in America experience infidelity. Being betrayed by someone you thought you loved and could trust is detrimental, causing long-term damage to your self-esteem and self-worth.
At Clean Recovery Centers, we understand the insurmountable pain that betrayal trauma can cause. Let’s talk about why this type of trauma occurs and how you can heal for a brighter future.
Understanding the Pain of Betrayal Trauma
Trauma in itself causes emotional turmoil, no matter if it was caused by a natural disaster, an accident, or witnessing violence. Betrayal trauma, however, takes that pain a step further, as the person who caused it was someone who was trusted or loved. Betrayal trauma terrorizes the core of our emotional foundation because the harm is not inflicted by a stranger or event but by a person we believed would protect us. This could be a parent, partner, caregiver, or close friend.
Those who experience betrayal trauma often feel residual pain longer, as it disrupts how they see themselves and those around them. They begin to question their ability to trust again, their judgment, or even their worth. In other types of trauma, survival mechanisms are activated in response to danger. Betrayal trauma often stirs deep emotional conflict because the person causing harm is also someone the survivor may still love or depend on.
Why Betrayal Trauma Happens
Anyone can have their trust broken by someone in their life, but what makes it become a betrayal trauma? When we are born, the attachment behavioral system reads and establishes behaviors based on proximity and protection. Research on this concept indicates that in the first year of life, mentally healthy individuals develop a secure base script that provides a blueprint for the ways attachment-related events typically unfold. For example, when a baby cries and the mother comforts him, this type of attachment behavior triggers a feeling of protection within the baby.
When healthy attachments are developed, it increases the feelings of security, trust, and protection. If someone in the person’s life breaks those feelings, it is extremely traumatic for the survivor who has a secure attachment system.
When Childhood Trust Is Broken
As we mentioned above, childhood is a critical time for developing attachment and relationship behavior. When a child is abused, neglected, lied to, or manipulated by a parent or caregiver, the betrayal goes beyond the acts themselves. The child must navigate their fear and pain while remaining attached to the very person causing it. It does not matter if the event is a singular occurrence or ongoing – the trauma remains in the child’s mind.
As traumatic events and feelings of betrayal continue, the child may instinctively blame themselves to preserve the illusion of safety and attachment. This self-blame can grow into deep-seated shame, anxiety, and feelings of unworthiness. As they grow into adulthood, they often carry an internalized belief that they can’t trust others or that they don’t deserve love and protection.
How Betrayal Can Shape Us in Adulthood
When betrayal trauma is experienced during childhood, it will carry over into adulthood. Trust in themselves and others, emotional intimacy, and setting boundaries are areas most afflicted. Relationships feel unsafe, even if their partner is kind and understanding of the past. Many survivors unconsciously expect betrayal to happen again, resulting in either avoiding people altogether or clinging to toxic relationships with no sense that the behavior is wrong.
In adulthood, the person is often hyperaware of the actions of those around them. Coworkers, friends, and even strangers’ behaviors are met with fears of disloyalty or fears of confrontation. They will either question any behavior that feels deceiving or withdraw and leave the situation.
The Deep Wounds of Infidelity
Infidelity is one of the most common and devastating forms of betrayal trauma. Discovering a partner’s affair is heartbreaking in itself, but then finding out about the lies, secrecy, and collapse of what they believed was a shared reality causes immense emotional pain. Infidelity undermines a person’s sense of identity, self-worth, and security. The survivor is left with plaguing thoughts of “Was I not good enough?” or “How could they do this to me?” The conflicting emotions of anger, hurt, and sadness leave a deep wound that takes time to process and heal. Future relationships are difficult for the survivor after infidelity and will require constant reassurance of trust and openness.
How Betrayal Trauma Shows up in Daily Life: Understanding the Signs and Symptoms
Though betrayal trauma doesn’t always show clear signs or symptoms, there are subtle cues to recognize. Many survivors may not realize they are experiencing betrayal trauma because the symptoms can resemble anxiety, depression, or even chronic health issues.
Some common signs include:
- Persistent self-doubt or second-guessing
- Difficulty trusting others, even when they have earned it
- Hypervigilance in all relationships, with the expectation that betrayal will occur
- Constant feelings of guilt or shame
- Emotional numbness or detachment
- Intrusive thoughts or nightmares
- Fear of abandonment or rejection
Physical symptoms may also arise, such as tension headaches, digestive issues, fatigue, or insomnia. Both the mind and body retain traumatic emotions, leading to symptoms across all areas.
The Process of Healing From Betrayal Trauma
Healing from betrayal trauma is not something that happens overnight – it is a long-rooted process involving therapies, coping skill development, and redefining self. Trauma therapy is typically the first step, as it dives into what happened and how to move forward. Common trauma therapies include:
- Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR): A type of therapy where the person will recount their trauma while experiencing bilateral movements, such as moving the eyes side to side. This works to desensitize the memory and help the person move forward.
- Rapid-resolution therapy (RRT): This type of therapy works to address past trauma without the person having to relive it. It uses guided imagery, metaphorical language, and hypnotic elements to reframe past experiences and shift negative thought patterns to promote healing.
- Exposure therapy: This allows the person to recount their trauma at their own pace. Over time, the memories become less intense, and fears begin to fade.
The key to trauma therapy is that the person must be willing and open to the experience. This takes time and requires the therapist to build trust with each individual. Besides desensitization, therapy will help the person recognize feelings of shame and guilt, working to rebuild confidence and self-esteem.
Getting Trauma Therapy in Hillsborough County, FL
Experiencing betrayal completely changes how you see the world – no one can be trusted, and you are left protecting yourself at every turn. You don’t have to live in this state forever, as there are treatment options available to begin the healing process and help you feel safe again. Trauma therapy will open the door for you to express your feelings and learn the skills needed to move forward in life. Through the guidance of an expert care team, you will begin to feel whole once again.
If you or someone you love has experienced betrayal trauma, we understand the pain you are going through. Clean Recovery Centers specializes in trauma-informed care and has a certified rapid-resolution therapist at each of our locations. Our compassionate team will meet you where you are and help guide you toward the light of healing. Call us today at (888) 330-2532 to learn more about our program offerings.
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